MY MOTHER’S SMILE

I spent a lifetime

Looking for my mother’s smile.

I picture a toddler crawling into a room,

His mother sees him and

Her eyes light up, a smile erupts.

It’s spontaneous, but

I’m not him and that’s

Not my mother.

Mine held me lightly on her lap

So I wouldn’t crush her ruffled dress.

Other times, my dirty hands and face

Were kept at a distance,

So was the rest of me.

It’s hard to love yourself

When the part of you called mother

Loves best from behind a wall.                          

Her outstretched arms

May not have been

Long enough

To cross the open space

Between us,

But her smile could have

Had she been willing.                       

Had she been able.

Now she’s gone and

The distance between us

Is even greater, so

I picture in my mind

Her smiling at me

With an approving nod.

I know I’m lying to myself,

But it’s a good lie.